


Masks

by Xanateria



Series: Pantheon [1]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: BDSM, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-14
Updated: 2012-06-14
Packaged: 2017-11-07 17:19:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/433550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xanateria/pseuds/Xanateria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes doing what's right for you means doing the wrong thing for the right reason. And, sometimes, if you are brave enough to step out of your comfort zone, you will find, not just what you need, but the deepest desires you didn’t know you had.</p><p>Both Gwen and Tosh receive an invitation to an exclusive club that promises to cater to their most intimate desires. But can either of them find the courage to accept the invitation?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Masks

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Queer Fest 2012. Prompt: Any fandom, any characters, lesbian S/M night at a sex club. Women being able to express their sexuality fully for the first time, or women being really distressed, or women being ostracized because they're too fat/trans*/butch/femme/old.
> 
> This story contains elements of BDSM. See prompt.
> 
> Takes place after the first season episode They Keep Killing Susie. None of the Torchwood characters are mine. The Pantheon club however, most certainly is. This story is dedicated to Amigone for coming up with the pairing, and teaching me how rewarding self discovery can be. Also, thanks to ShazzyZhang for the last minute beta read.

_“No one knows if Pantheon is real or not. Supposedly, there's a branch in nearly every city in the world. It's a very exclusive sex club, that caters to every flavour of kink. You have to be invited by a member, but you don't always know who it is, or why they sent you an invite. It’s not free, but the fees, like everything else about it, are shrouded in mystery. If you go, and they accept you, you're in. It's a pretty big if, but it's worth it. Anything you want, they can make it happen. Any desire you might have - even the ones you can’t admit - becomes a reality when you walk through the door.”_  
\- Blog Entry taken from ShouldBeReal.com

***

The morning started badly, and went downhill. When I fought my way out of the nightmare just after six am, I was already half an hour late. Sweaty, and shaken, I had the world’s fastest shower. When I threw on clothes, I was too tired to even wince at the outfit. Now was no time to be picky. An apple from the fruit basket on the counter stood in for breakfast, and I spared a longing thought for coffee. Maybe the luck of the day would turn around and there would still be coffee left at work.

Or, perhaps not, I observed, a bit later, as Owen poured the last of the pot into his own chipped mug.

I swallowed the irritation, and turned to the system maintenance that topped the to do list for the day. The familiar routine and equipment should have soothed. Instead, it took effort to keep my mind on the task.

I resisted the urge to curse, shoved my chair away from the desk and promptly rapped my elbow on the corner of the workstation. Tears threatened, which was just stupid, weak and stupid. It was hardly the first time that happened, and likely not the last either.

“Cheer up, Tosh. Coffee makes everything better. Didn’t you know?” Ianto appeared beside my desk, with a slight smile on his face. In one hand, he carried a cup of coffee; in the other, a few pieces of mail that he set on the desk. When he handed me the coffee, I smiled for the first time that day.

After everything that happened with Mary, I still have trouble around Owen and Gwen. Nothing I’d heard was my business, and I certainly wasn’t in any position to judge the two of them for finding comfort with each other. Not when I took the same comfort from someone who wasn’t even human. I mean, sure, she misrepresented herself, and manipulated the situation, but at the very end of it all, she didn’t have to coerce anything. Desperate to feel connected, to feel truly alive, I jumped in without thought of the repercussions, or what my conscience had to say about it.

Then, the pendant turned everything inside out and upside down. Maybe everyone has daydreams about what they could do if they could read minds. I know I did. The power of it, the secret, it was supposed to be like the ultimate superpower. I thought I’d use it to help people, like that woman whose husband nearly killed her. I saw myself as some kind of beacon of light. Ridiculous really, and I know it. It’s not all that surprising that it ended up more about darkness, the shit. We’re all more at the mercy of our base desires than we’d like to think. It’s better that we destroyed it. Like Jack said, some things we’re not meant to know.

You’d think after that clear of a window into how other people think that I’d have found some kind of connection, that some good could come of it, but I didn’t. Just sitting in the same room as Gwen or Owen makes me twitchy. I try to hide it, but I’m not the best at that sort of thing. And Jack, well, I can’t relax around him either. What are you supposed to say to someone you let down that utterly?

Uncomfortable with my train of thought, I thanked Ianto for the coffee and turned to the mail. Professional journals, some research data I’d put in the internal request for, nothing of interest, until the last envelope. More cream than white, the paper had more weight than I expected. The usual marks indicated it had come from external post, originally, but there was no return address. The only name on it was mine, and the post mark was local.

I hesitated for a moment, then reached for my letter opener. A sheet of paper and a card slid onto the desk. I picked up the paper first, and then blinked at the logo. Stylized glossy black letters spelled out Pantheon. The first letter was bracketed by the line silhouette of a man, and a woman. 

Unleash your senses and give in to your inner goddess was underneath, in smaller letters.

While I stared, my brain tried to tell me where I’d seen that word before, but I couldn’t quite remember. A quick Google search later, I had it, but the results made me blush. A quick glance showed I was alone for now, but it still took me a minute to continue.

_“Dear Toshiko,_

_The enclosed card will admit you to our facility, free of charge, for consideration as a member. Pantheon is a private club that strives to meet the most intimate, and passionate needs of each of its members. We pride ourselves on our ability to create memorable experiences with the utmost discretion._

_If you are not interested, simply do nothing. No one from the club will ever contact you again._

_However, if you have ever felt there was something missing from the sensual aspects of your life, Pantheon is the perfect safe place to explore why._

_It would be impossible to answer all possible questions in such a short letter, but we invite you to join us and ask them in person. If you choose to attend, you will be matched with an experienced member to guide you through the discoveries that await you.”_

There was no signature, but that was hardly surprising. The card had only the logo, my name, and brief instructions. Prospective members were asked to dress up. Transportation would be provided for the first visit. That was all.

I would have thought it all a mistake, except there was my name, clearly printed on both the letter and the card. But, things like this didn’t happen in real life. Sex clubs are a made up movie thing. Phrase it however you want, that’s what it was about underneath it all.

The argument with myself lasted all day. I could barely tell you what I did. Luckily Jack was busy with some politicians, and the others had their own work. By the time the end of the day rolled around, I was still uncertain. But I was dressed and waiting when the car arrived to take me to the club.

***

I never thought of myself as a particularly religious person. We went to church, but more because Mum would have been upset if we didn’t. I remember Dad and I rolled our eyes over the fuss she kicked up over our outfits. He’d wink at me, before I could get too frustrated, and we’d be off. But, I never found the answers to all the things I wanted to know in any church. It was always ‘Be a good girl, Gwen, and listen to the sermon, and never mind what you want to know.

When Susie told me there’s nothing after this, when her desperation to stay punched me in the gut, something in me shifted. I came as close to death as I’d ever like to get, thanks to the knife and the glove. If the others hadn’t figured things out, I’d have died right there on the quay.

Once I was alright again, I tried to put it out of my head, all of it. But, you know what happens when you try not to think about something. Just a few days before it all happened, I thought nothing could top the embarrassment I felt when I realized Tosh heard our thoughts, mine and Owen’s. No office secrets, not even about romances that shouldn’t have begun in the first place. 

Stacked up against questions of life and death, a little embarrassment hardly mattered. The whole mess woke me up to the reality of it all – and what I had to lose. I thought I needed someone who could understand what Torchwood did to a person. Owen could be a bastard when it suited him, but he got it. And he wanted me. That made me feel special, at least until I realized I was only another in a long string of women.

That’s the trouble. Just because a manipulative psychopath tells you something, doesn’t mean it’s a lie. Oh, Susie told a lot of those, too, I know. But there was enough truth in there to twist into the wounds she left behind that I questioned myself all over again.

Adrift, I felt even more of an outsider than when I took this job. I should have been busy thanking my lucky stars – and the rest of the team – for my life. But, I felt empty, hollowed out by all the questions I didn’t have answers to. I told Susie I had my own function at Torchwood, that I was much more than a replacement. And I believed that, I just didn’t know where that left me now.

I tried to focus on work, but none of the cases Jack had me check turned up anything of interest – to Torchwood anyway. I hadn’t finished my list of cases, but the last thing I wanted was another dud. The mail Ianto left on the corner of my desk was a decent distraction. Most of it was from my contacts with the police. The last envelope caught my attention because I didn’t recognize the thick, old fashioned paper, and there was no return address. It would have had to go through all the usual security precautions to get to this point. My caution fought with my curiosity for a moment. With a mental shrug, I ripped it open. 

One look at the letter and card inside had me tucking them back in their envelope. Not the kind of thing you want your boss to wander in and see, even when he is Jack Harkness. I considered asking one of the others if they’d heard of this club, Pantheon. Tosh maybe. She spent lots of time online after all. Then I thought of discretion and searched it myself.

Once I knew what the club was, I knew I couldn’t go. I’d already made a mistake that could cost me Rhys. I couldn’t possibly add another. I repeated that many times that day. 

Each time, a little voice in my head asked why not. One more sin added to my personal list wouldn’t matter much. I knew I was rationalizing, but I did it anyway.

When I got home, there was a note from Rhys on the counter. Some new work friend had asked him ‘round for a pint and I shouldn’t wait up. I read it twice, then dropped it, to stare blankly at the room. If this life is really all there is, I wanted to squeeze every last drop out of it, and then go back and do it again. Right and proper was all well and good, but it wouldn’t help me forget what it felt like as the last threads of my life unraveled. It wouldn’t give me back any control over my own life. Maybe whatever I found at Pantheon could.

Once I made my decision, I had to scramble, but I managed. The invitation was tucked into my purse, and I put on a simple sheath dress that showed off my legs. I left most of my hair down, only two pieces pinned back near the front to contain the rest, bangs combed back. Even managed to fuss with my evening makeup look, darker eyeshadow than usual, and darker lipstick to go with it, red naturally. I don’t usually bother to look like a girl, but the instructions called for dressy but not formal. Pants and a dress shirt just wouldn’t do.

Precisely at seven o’clock, a black town car pulled to a stop at the entrance to my building. I noted the dark tint on the windows, and the expensive suit the driver wore. He didn’t introduce himself when I slid into the backseat, only held out a blindfold.

“First time guests aren’t permitted to know our location, Miss. If you become a member, you’ll arrange your own transportation, but until then, I’ll need you to put this on.”

Slowly, I reached out for the strip of dark cloth. If I turned back now, I’d regret it for the rest of my life. Some things you just know, right down to your bones.

***

We drove for a short while, and then stopped. I thought we’d arrived, but after a pause and some muted beeps were underway again. Then, another even shorter hop, and I felt a cool breeze when the driver opened my door. He warned me to watch my head, then guided me out of the car and through a door. We walked forward another bit, before he stopped and murmured that I could take the blindfold off.

The room I opened my eyes in could have been the lobby of any number of posh hotels, which was oddly disappointing. The reception counter was deserted, but before I could worry, a sliding door off to one side whooshed open and a woman in a dark green dress that set off dark copper hair stepped through it.

“Hello, Gwen. I’m so pleased you could come,” she told me, her voice soft with a lilt I couldn’t quite place.

Confronted with her, all my uncertainty returned, and butterflies fluttered in my stomach. “Hello,” I managed to reply. “I don’t quite know what I’m doing here.”

“That’s alright,” my companion informed me. “A lot of our members are in the same boat when they come here. We’re quite used to it. I’m sure we’ll have you sorted in no time.” She paused for breath and then smiled at me. “I’m Miranda. My job is to see to it that you don’t just get what you think you want – but what you truly need from us.”

“How can you do that, when I don’t know what I need?” My tone bordered on rude, but I needed to know.

“We all have our strengths. I happen to have a knack for this sort of thing. Besides, you know more than you think you do. You just need permission to listen to yourself. We can give you that.” She turned to glance back at the door. “Come, we’ll get out of the lobby and go somewhere we can talk in private.”

Safely behind the door of an office I assumed was hers, Miranda got me a glass of ice water, and settled into a chair across from me. “First things first. We have a strict confidentiality policy and code of conduct. I'll need you to read them and verify you consent to both.”

She handed me a tablet computer, more suited to the hub than out here in the real world. I read the policies carefully but they were straightforward. Nothing seen in the building could be discussed off the premises, even if you had the permission of those involved. No one could be forced to do anything they truly didn’t want to do. Any participant had the right to change their mind about any engagement for any time. All activities were to be within the bounds of safety and consent as discussed by all participants. All engagements could be stopped at the request of staff members, and so on. I must have looked confused, because Miranda spoke up.

“Each of your visits here constitutes a single engagement, regardless of length. Most times, we don't impose a time limit, so long as you are within twenty four hours of arrival. Each engagement can involve any number of participants, of the gender of your choice. We have spaces for public engagements, and for private ones as well. If you choose the private option, you and any members you choose to have with you interact in a private room, and cannot be observed. If you end up a member, you will have the option of advance arrangements. For tonight though, we will talk and then I will take you to the area I feel best suits your needs.” The explanation was calm and matter of fact, but my head spun. I managed a nod.

I expected to have to sign electronically. Instead, I set my thumb where she indicated and it scanned the print. Once that was done, she took the tablet back for a moment, and explained I would now fill out the standard intake screening about preferences, past history, and interests. Once I started, she promised to return in a few minutes and left.  


As I read the questions, I could only be grateful. They were quite a bit beyond personal and covered scenarios I’d never considered before. I did my best to be brutally honest, and surprised myself with how many of the options made me tick 'would like to try,' especially in the sections about other women, and domination. I’d never allowed myself to seriously consider either. Nothing like nearly dying to change your perspective and priorities.

Just as I set tablet down, Miranda returned. I felt my face heat as she looked over my answers, but she didn’t react as though they were anything out of the ordinary. Then again, considering how many sections I had to skip as not applicable, perhaps they weren’t.

“Alright. I think we have what we need. Despite the fact you have indicated you are interested in both women and men, I would advise you to attend one of our women only events tonight. The answers you provided indicate a strong need to try something new, and to regain a level of control. There are many women who come here who need the opposite – to be dominated, or controlled. Tonight’s event is an opportunity for both types of women to meet those who can give them what they need.”

There were so many questions, I didn’t know where to start. I still had no idea why I was up for consideration as a member, or how exactly the club worked. But if tonight helped me at all, there would be time for that later. “If I choose to go, how does it work?” I asked.

“Our events tend to vary as widely as our members. In this case, you would come with me to a viewing area. Each woman there has asked to be matched with a more dominant partner, for either a public engagement or something more private. Those in the golden areas wish to remain public; those in the pink areas are looking to be private. Each area will also contain the implements, toys, or props the woman prefers, or wishes to explore” Miranda explained. “You can ask them whatever you would like, or you can simply choose. I’ve seen it happen either way. What happens after that, is up to the both of you.”

Whatever they paid her, it wasn’t enough, because Miranda managed to be perfectly calm and expectant without putting any pressure on me. But I couldn’t live with myself if I backed out now. Besides, there was no harm in a look. If I didn’t meet anyone who suited me, then I could try something else.

I nodded and walked towards the door. “I hope you’re as good at your job as you say you are,” I murmured.

The only answer was a soft chuckle as the other woman led the way down a long hall. After a few minutes, we stopped in front of a sliding, frosted glass door. We paused while she produced a key card and swiped it, then the door opened. “If you become a member, you’ll be issued your own key card. For now, after you,” she invited.

The room was larger than I expected, lit with soft lamps that created islands of light at evenly spaced intervals. Most of the lights were a pale gold. A few of them were a soft pink. Each area of light highlighted a woman, naked, and arranged on various pieces of furniture.

Some were recognizable: couches, divans, and so on. Others were not. There were padded crosses a select few were handcuffed to, arms spread wide, shapely bottoms angled out. Padded tables similar to what was used for massage, though it was doubtful massage tables displayed buttocks or bosom as prominently as these, The women on them certainly didn’t look as though they minded, though again, some were handcuffed or tied to the table.

Beside each woman stood a table with several implements on it. I saw everything from feathers to whips, and more that I couldn’t even identify.

Only a few steps took me all the way into the room and I struggled not to gape. Part of me was embarrassed. I shouldn’t be seeing this. The rest of me yearned to explore.

It must have shown on my face, because Miranda gestured forward. “ All of the prospects in this room have consented to being offered for choosing. Some might want you to give them a reason to go with you. Others might not. Regardless, if they do not wish to continue with you, they may refuse, and you can choose another. Go ahead and look. This is a viewing room, after all. Remember, you can talk to anyone here, or you may simply choose. Each station has a number. When you have made your choice, if they are looking for a public engagement, you may simply begin.”

“I don’t think I want to participate quite so openly,” I admitted.

“Then, consider those in pink. They have asked for private engagements,” Miranda reminded me. “Once you know your choice, come back to me. I’ll escort you to the private room you will use once everything is ready.”

I listened to my own heartbeat for a long moment, and then took a deep breath and walked toward the first of the women.

***

A dozen times, maybe more, I almost changed my mind. I am not the kind of person that goes to clubs, not even posh private ones that promise such amazing things. When I finally took my blindfold off inside, I might still have bolted, but a side door slid open and a slender woman with pixie short blonde hair walked out to greet me.

“Hello Toshiko. I’m so pleased you could join us tonight,” she told me. “I’m Claire. I’m here to answer your questions and get you started.” While she talked, she ushered me down a hall to a conference room. We exchanged a few more pleasantries while she explained the policies and procedures I would have to accept before we went any further. Once that was out of the way, she left the room while I filled out the intake screening

I answered all the questions I could, and skipped the ones about the stuff that didn’t interest me. I surprised myself and even included my experiences with Mary, edited slightly, in the section for recent new experiences. Mary might not have been human, but she had represented herself quite convincingly as female, and opened my eyes to whole new desires I had no idea what to do with now. Perhaps here, I could finally find out.

I felt distant, almost disconnected as Claire came back in and reviewed my answers. Normally, I would have been red as a lobster from embarrassment, but the whole thing felt like it was happening to someone else. When she suggested I go to the women only event, it made sense, so I agreed. When she explained exactly what it would entail, I almost objected. I couldn’t go along with anything that extreme, no matter how distant I felt.

Claire waited quietly, while I made up my mind. I don’t think I could have stood pity, and maybe not even sympathy. But all I saw in her face was understanding.

“You can change your mind at any point during the event. If you are chosen but truly don’t feel you can complete your engagement, you can simply refuse,” she explained.  


When I nodded, she went on to outline more details of the event, engagements in general, the public and private options and how the viewing room would be set up for the night.

“I’m not interested in the public options,” I exclaimed. This was hard enough without that added element.

“Alright. That’s fine. If it makes things easier for you, you can wear a mask for this event,” my hostess offered. “We want you to step out of your comfort zone in some ways, but only so much as you feel is right for you.”

I liked the sound of that, and decided I would go masked, at least to begin with.

“Once you’ve been selected, I’ll escort you to one of the private rooms, and help you get set up. Your partner for the evening will join you. What happens after that is up to the two of you. But, you can choose to withdraw from the engagement at any time, though we hope you won’t want to.”

Before I could question myself again, I agreed. Claire took me to a dressing room located just off the viewing room I would be in. I thought I’d be given a robe, but she explained those who wanted to be chosen were encouraged to go without clothes, if possible, to help them shed their everyday selves. It was crazy, ridiculous even. Shy little Toshiko, they used to call me, but just look at what I was considering. I replayed the explanation and it made sense. Not so distant now, I put on the mask that was in my dressing room and took off my clothes. I stalled a bit and folded them neatly. Then I opened the door and walked out to take one of the private spots in the viewing room. My knees were shaking, and I chose one of the spots with a couch so I could face away from the room, but I did it.

***

There were only a handful of women whose islands were flagged as private, and I walked slowly past the first two. Their presentations included things I wasn’t ready to try yet. At the third, I stopped to consider. She was more petite than the others, and faced away from the room, though she was naked. Even from the back, I could see the edges of the mask she wore. The rapid movements of her chest told me she was breathing quickly, but I couldn’t fault her for that, not when I was so nervous myself.

Something about her, though I couldn’t have said what, awoke my protective side. Ironic, when the sight of the paddle, small leather whip, and lengths of ropes set aside on a table near her couch, made my pulse jump.

For appearances, more than anything, I completed a circuit of the room. I walked back to Miranda, seated on a bench near the door.

“You’ve decided.”

It wasn’t a question, but I nodded. “Number three, I’d like her, if she’s willing.” I had no real explanation, but the pull was so strong, I knew if she refused, I wouldn’t choose another.

“Alright.” We waited a few moments. A door I didn’t even notice was there opened behind my choice, and a tiny blonde woman slipped through it, spoke to the woman, and they both disappeared through the door a few moments later.

“Where did they go?” I demanded.

“Relax, Gwen. She’s accepted the engagement. Her counsellor is taking her to the private room that’s been assigned for your use. I’ll take you there once they’ve had time to get ready.”

“Is that what you are, my counsellor?” I asked curiously.

“I’m a lot of things in my work here, but yes. That’s what we call those of us who guide prospective members. If you are chosen as a member after this visit, I’ll notify you and be available to answer questions, and familiarize you with your options here at the club.”

A few minutes later, a muted tone sounded, and Miranda glanced at a small handheld device and then smiled and nodded toward the door we’d come in.

Once we reached the private room, I stopped Miranda before she could swipe her card. “Wait a minute. I haven’t the foggiest idea what I’m doing, how to dominate someone.” Sheer panic edged in now, and I let it. Sure, I’d played at it now and again, with Rhys and a few others, but it wasn’t anything serious, and with men besides.

“When she indicated this preference, your partner provided some possibilities, scenarios, if you will. She also detailed the tools or props she would prefer. There’ll be a tablet with all the available information, as well as her safeword in the room. You’ll be fine. If you get stuck, try talking to her. If you feel you need assistance, press the help button on the wall interface for the building intercom system. That will reach me.”

It was hardly that simple, but I managed a nod just before she let me into the room.

I’m not sure what I expected, but the varied greens of the color scheme were set off with cream accents. Rather than overhead lights, the room was lit with small fixtures high along the walls that mimicked candlelight. The effect set me at ease as soon as I walked in. I recognized high quality linens and expensive antiques. Rather than cheap or tawdry, it wasn’t far off from what I might have chosen for a bedroom.

A large four-poster bed took up the far corner. The woman on it was partially covered with a sheet, and faced away from me. That was alright. I wasn’t ready to go to her yet. I moved to pick up the tablet from the bedside table. As I reviewed the info, I relaxed a bit more. The scenarios meshed well with my own fantasies. She wouldn’t speak until spoken to, wanted to be taught how to please me, and had chosen her toys with an eye to punishment for her missteps. Even better, she was flexible about any or all of the elements, so long as the engagement abided by the club rules.

I turned to the bed and paused to collect my thoughts. Whoever she was, I found myself mesmerized looking at her. The line of her back arched slightly, and her skin glowed slightly even in the low light.

I shrugged out of my dress, and settled on the bed beside her. With the sheet folded back, I stroked my fingers down the line of her spine. She shivered, and broke out in goose bumps. I liked that, knowing she was affected too, even if she was so quiet.

I put my doubts and fears out of my mind, and concentrated on her, the nuances of her reactions. I explored her back with my hands, then kissed my way down her spine. Instead of the emptiness that I carried all the time, finally there was heat, and more. Lust tangled with the pull of attraction, and underneath it all, a rightness I couldn’t explain, or argue with.  


She moved against the sheets, just a little, and her skin flushed, but she was still silent. I smiled, and took up the challenge.

Long moments later, I remembered the paddles, and picked up one of the smaller ones. Slowly, more to test us both, I swung it in a soft hit to the middle of her bottom.  


She tensed, and her hands fisted in the sheets, but still she made no sound.

As I watched her skin turned pink, and the need I felt intensified, and ache that made me rougher than I expected. I swung the paddle several more times. Pink turned to red and I paused to grab hold of my control again. I wasn’t sure if it felt so good because of the partner I’d chosen, or because I was finally doing something I dreamt of doing or both, but whatever the reason, it was a powerful rush. “Keep your eyes shut,” I ordered gently. A simple request, but I thought it would be a good place begin exerting more control. Once I had control again, I took a few more strokes, then urged her to turn over.

I thought it would be odd to see another woman under such circumstances, but the sight of her: small, firm breasts, capped by dark nipples that were already hard, and the neatly trimmed pubic hair I could already see wetness glisten on, only made me want to explore more, touch her everywhere and then do it all again.

Grateful her mask didn’t cover her mouth, I leaned down and traced my fingers over her lips, pleased when just that small movement made her breath catch.

“You can touch me,” I told her. “I want you to,” I admitted, surprised my voice was still steady. I wanted her hands on me, to know if it would be as good as what we had done already.

Her hand trembled, but I took hold of it and rested it on my shoulder, then slid it down until it rested on the arch of my breast.

She didn’t speak, but when she encountered the cool silk of my bra, she made a small sound of discontent that made me smile.

“I suppose I am over dressed.”

When she nodded, I could see her lips quirk in a slight smile, which I returned, even if she couldn’t see it. Unable to resist, I kissed her lightly.

After only a slight hesitation, her lips parted on a slight gasp and I explored her mouth eagerly. The blend of sweetness and spice had me wanting more after only seconds. I deepened the kiss. Part of me thought I should take it slower, but I reminded my conscience she wanted to please me.

Still, I could sense her nervousness, almost reluctance, and I would have stopped, but then she kissed me back.

I knew the moment she got caught up too. The angle of the kiss changed again, her tongue tangled with mine, and she brought her other hand up to cup my other breast.  


“Wait,” I murmured, then leaned back a bit so I could take off my bra. Once it was off, I put her hands back on me. Her hands on my bare skin felt good. She pinched my nipples gently, and everything took a long lazy spin as I rode a wave of arousal so intense it was my turn to gasp.

Distantly, I noted her eyes were still closed. “Such an obedient girl,” I noted. “That’s good.” Here and now, I could say exactly what I thought. I didn’t worry if it was the right thing, or the sexy thing. I didn’t really think at all. There was only what I felt was right. In that moment, I wasn’t sure anything had ever felt as right as this.

I took her mouth again, then tracked open mouthed kisses down her neck, thrilled when she arched toward me. Gently, I pushed her back down on the bed, desperate to taste more. When I took her nipple in my mouth and sucked gently, her hands came around me to hold tight. When I switched to the other one, her head thrashed from side to side.

I kept it up, determined to see her lose more of her control. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of the small whip.

Before I could lose my nerve, I picked it up. Careful not to go too hard, I made a pattern of stripes across her breasts and down her stomach.

“Be still,” I told her, when she twisted back and forth a bit. I could see the effort it cost her, but she obeyed.

The sight of my marks on all that creamy skin, and her obedience had me wet and aching, but I ignored that for now. We had as long as we wanted. There was no need to rush.  


After a minute to consider, I put my hand on her hip, to hold her still, and brought the lashes down between her legs, softer at first, then with more force when I could see she liked it.

When her hips bucked upward restlessly, I slid my hand closer to her centre, testing again. Her skin was warm and silky soft, but I wasn’t ready to give her what she wanted.  


Her hips came off the bed again and her control snapped. “Please,” she begged.

Only one word, but shock froze me in place. I knew that voice. “Tosh?” It couldn’t be. Denial rose in sharp, icy slivers.

But the sudden tension in her body below me told the truth. In one fluid move, she wrenched away from me, wrapped the sheet around herself, and moved to the other edge of the bed.

***

I wanted clothes. I wanted to never have come here. But it was too late for that. I fought back tears, and tried to remember to breathe. Despite my best efforts, tears spilled over. Since there was no point in it now, I slid the mask off, and wiped them away as best I could.

Gwen stepped away for a minute. I thought she might leave, but instead she crossed to the armoire in the corner, and brought back a silk robe I could slide into, and covered herself with another.

“Thank you.” I couldn’t look at her as I said it.

“Look, Tosh, it’s fine. I’ll go. We can just pretend this never happened,” Gwen murmured.

It was the sensible thing. We worked together, and Gwen and Owen had proven that office involvements were not a good idea. Besides, I’d already revealed far more of myself than I intended. I’d only felt safe in coming to Pantheon because I could be anonymous, be someone other than the non-person I so often felt like I was these days.

But I couldn’t stop the disappointment. For a few brief wild moments, I’d let myself believe that maybe she’d known who I was, that she felt some of the same things I did. Ridiculous of course. I opened my mouth to agree, determined not to make a bigger fool out of myself.

“Wait.” One word, but the note of command stopped me. I shivered a little, caught up in a mix of fear and want that made it hard to think. I turned to look at her, only for a moment but she moved to my side of the bed, and stopped me when I would have looked away.

“You don’t want to stop.” She looked intently into my eyes, and I felt even more exposed than when I'd first taken off my clothes, 

I couldn’t bring myself to lie, so I stayed silent. Her hand cupped my chin, so I had to look at her, then gently caressed my cheek.

“Why are you crying, Tosh? I thought it was because I recognized you, but that’s not it. You knew who I was as soon as I spoke to you, and you didn’t stop me.”

One of the things I most admired about Gwen was ability to read people and empathize with them, but in that moment, I wished she couldn’t.

“This whole thing, here tonight, was because you wanted someone else to be in charge. Then, when you knew it was me, you still wanted it. So tell me the truth. Did you set this up? Are you the one who sponsored my membership?” she demanded.

“No. This is my first visit here. I have no idea who sent my invitation.” That part of the truth was simple, at least and it steadied me a bit as I said it.

I’d seen her anger, but now there was only confusion. “I don’t understand,” Gwen admitted.

Of course she didn’t. I’d never admitted my feelings for her. At first, I didn’t have the nerve. By the time I worked up my courage, she was involved with Owen. It was easier to tell myself she could never be interested in a woman like me, or any woman at all.

She couldn’t force me to tell her. But, I would never get a better chance. Whatever we discussed here would stay here. Gwen had too much integrity to break the rules. I gazed at her, determined that if I was going to risk destroying anything, even our friendship, I’d have the picture of what she looked like in this moment to hold on to. Strands of her hair had escaped their pins to curl around her face, and her lipstick was all but gone. She was still more beautiful than I’d ever let myself imagine.

“It’s stupid,” I began. “I didn’t recognize you until you spoke, but I actually thought you knew it was me.” Once I started, the words came faster. “I’ve always had feelings for you. Actually, I wanted you from almost the first moment I saw you. I was just never brave enough to say so, to let you see the real me. So, this, tonight, was like a dream come true for me.”

As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. Rather than looked at her, I stared at my hands, pale against the dark green sheet.

“You’ve dreamed of me? Of you and me like this?”

I expected pity, or disgust, but there was only curiosity, and a breathless sort of wonder in the questions.

“Yes.” It wasn’t fair. Now, when those dreams came, I would know exactly what I was missing. Tears welled up again, but I dashed them away.

“You already know how complicated my life is, right now. I thought my relationship with Rhys would make me happy but it doesn’t. I can’t be what he wants, the woman who's content to be the person he needs. And I know it might not seem like it, but I’m not the kind of girl who does casual sex. I came here because I needed to feel something real and alive. I wanted to enjoy it, because I wanted to prove to myself I could. It’s been so long since I let myself think about what I enjoyed, what met my needs.”

I bit my tongue to keep from asking about Owen, but she must have seen it on my face.

“What happened with Owen wasn’t about what I really needed, either. I told myself it was, because he saw more of the real me than Rhys ever did. But all I ever was to him was a challenge he needed to win. Oh, he cared for me, in his way, and he saw to it that I enjoyed myself, I suppose. But in the whole time I was with him, he never made me feel even a fraction of what you’ve managed to awaken in me in just a few hours.” Her voice had gone so quiet, I had to strain to hear her when she continued.

“I wanted you from the first moment I saw you tonight. I’ve never let myself admit how much I wanted a night like this. I don’t want you to think I sleep around. As much as I needed this, I never considered it, because I didn’t feel safe enough to ask for what I wanted with anyone else. Tonight I did. And I don’t think it was just because of this place. It was because of you, what I felt when I saw you in the viewing room tonight.” Most times, Gwen has an excellent poker face, but when she looked at me now, I could see how much she meant it, and that she was scared too.

My brain went blank with surprise. I licked my lips, and tasted just enough of her to have bring back the need I’d managed to contain.

I should have known she’d see that too.

“Since we’re both being so honest, I should also tell you, I don’t want to stop either. I was surprised, worried about your reaction, and what it would mean for work. But none of that matters, not really. ” Slowly, she undid the tie of her robe, and let it slide off her shoulders.

I couldn’t look away. When she shrugged it all the way off, I couldn’t hold back a small moan. Part of me didn’t care how many different emotions careened inside me, or how conflicted I was. I wanted to taste her again, wanted her mouth on every last inch of me.

“The club rules said that if you wanted to end the engagement, you have to use your safe word, or make the equivalent signal.” She moved closer and closer as she spoke, until her lips were so close to mine, I could feel her breath.

My eyes slid closed, and I swayed toward her. She smelled too good, jasmine and vanilla, and now I knew she tasted even better. I waited for her to kiss me, ached for it, but she didn’t.

“We’re both worried about all the things that could go wrong. But, it felt so good, so right. If we stop now, we’ll always wonder how much better it could have been.”  


She stopped, and I heard her take a deep breath. My heart pounded in my ears, but I opened my eyes to nod.

“Kiss me.” Her voice was still quiet, but the note of command was back, so I did as I was told.

Her hands came up to frame my face, and I looked into her eyes. The fear was gone, replaced by a hunger that made me shiver. One kiss slid into another. I stroked her back, traced the bumps of her spine. Nothing that felt this good could be wrong. Complicated maybe, but not wrong, not if it was what we both wanted.

***

Carefully, I reached out and pressed the button on the control panel that darkened the glass of the viewing window. I’d only watched enough to know they wouldn’t throw away the chance they’d been given. That was enough. Whatever happened later, at least they both gotten what they needed right now. I had no reason to watch more, at least without their permission. But, if I was a betting man, I’d put good money they’d be back, most likely together.

There was a whisper of air movement and the door behind me opened.

"Hello Miranda."

Calm and collected, as always, she didn't seem fazed by the fact I’d been watching what was flagged as a private engagement.

"Did you get what you wanted?" she asked. " I assume you had a very specific reason for their invitations. You've not sponsored any in quite some time."

"I did." Since I couldn’t fix the problem for either of the girls right now, the least I could so was put them where they needed to be to find their own solution. Besides, open to change is a good thing. Never let anyone tell you different.

“See to it they’re both offered memberships, but if they ask to know who sponsored them, be sure they’re told that information is unavailable at the sponsor’s request,” I asked. 

They’d both taken good first steps. It would be interesting to see if they would take more.

"I'm pleased the recommendations worked out the way you wanted Jack, even if it does mean you'll be insufferable for weeks," Miranda told me with a slight smile. 

I smiled back at her as I turned to leave. "Oh, probably."

~~FIN~~


End file.
